Sunday, July 7, 2013

Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll

*TMI ALERT*

Well, it's a catchy title at least right? Really there's only one part of the title I'm going to address right now. Sex. It seems to be the world's favorite subject but for us it can be the scariest.

Some of us have used it as a weapon in the past, as another way of dulling the pain and others of of avoid it at all cost. Whether by avoiding relationships altogether or even after being married and avoiding it with our spouse. I always seemed to fall into the former category until lately.

I'm suddenly on completely foreign ground. Lately, I'm avoiding it despite the fact I day dream about my handsome husband. Doesn't make sense to most of the world but to other survivors it makes perfect sense...I hope...

He's too concerned about me to make a move and I'm so concerned about him that I will initiate but in the end, I end up crying.

I'm sure this is just another phase, I just hope it passes quickly.

Thank you prince charming for loving me enough to deal with all of my crazy. :)

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Triggers

They are debilitating. You never know what they will be or when they will strike and sometimes they strike and you can't even pinpoint what the actual trigger was.

Tonight, we were on a family bike ride. It was such an amazing night out and (most of) the kids were so excited for this. I had been dreading it all day like the plague and pushed it off until the sun started to wane. After a few minor set-backs, we were off. I knew as we headed up the hill leaving on our street it was going to be a tough ride. I'm normally the lead and my husband follows the pack so we can ensure no one gets left behind.

This ride was different. I could not even keep up with the 7 year old. I didn't have the strength. I could feel my muscles atrophying, my pulse racing almost as fast as my mind. I was flashing back, of course but to me it wasn't anything that I hadn't worked through in the past. Finally, about 3/10 of a mile in (after staying at the back of the pack the entire time) I just hollered up to my husband that he would have to finish alone.

Heading home all I could think was that I wanted off of that bike. I even jumped off and began to walk it for a few but then decided that would take me forever so I hopped back on and pushed myself the rest of the way home.

Was it the rush of adrenaline that bothered me? The fear of the "hyperarousal symptoms" that come with PTSD? Was it the bike? Who knows.

How do I explain these things to my kids? Stupid bastard.

Half-done

Everything in my life seems to be half-done, projects in my home most specifically. I recently had my precious niece over to spend the night and when my brother came to get her I went into panic mode knowing my house was the wreck that it is always in. It's reminiscent of my childhood when we would spend the night with my aunt and she would get the call from my uncle saying he was flying home (he is a pilot) and should arrive in T-___(fill-in-blank). She would say "OK darling!, gently hang up the phone and scream "HE'S ON HIS WAY, EVERYONE CLEAN!!!!!

As I got the house in somewhat descent shape for my brothers arrival I sat down on the couch and looked around and realized how many projects were half-done in my house. The melamine has been ripped off of my cabinets in preparation for resurfacing, the ceiling has been ripped out of the front hallway for the plumbing repair we had done (a few months ago), I started to paint the hallway and my husband didn't like the color (so it is now 2-toned)...you get the drift. This stuff drives me insane. Day-in-day out I sit and think about all of the things I need to be doing to get this house in "living condition". The truth is it is already in living condition. It looks just like a family of 8 lives here and loves here. We  have so much fun hanging out and being together that I need not worry about the way things look to other people. It's what goes on inside my home that counts.

So if you ever stop by unannounced (I likely won't let you in) but if you do, remember this...


Enjoy this gorgeous day today and make amazing memories that your children will never forget!

Friday, June 28, 2013

Fight or Die!!!

I've always thought I was born a fighter and maybe I was. There is a good possibility that I became a fighter because I had to be one to survive. Are we all fighters? Or is it only us 30%ers that didn't succumb to the alcohol and drugs? For me, to breathe alone is a battle. 

The problem with this is that I don't know when or how to turn it off. Some issues aren't worth fighting over. For instance if the issue doesn't even involve me then WHY must I be ready to put on the gloves and just lay the slap-down on someone in such a crazy way? I can feel my pulse rise and my adrenaline starts pumping so fast I think my heart might beat out of my chest...

Today I have no profound words for how to NOT pick up the gloves; I'm currently searching for that. For now, I am eternally grateful that God gave me the ability to protect myself through all of the hard stuff. The stuff that most people don't have to even dream about. Thank you God for teaching me to pick up the gloves. Now, please God help me learn when the appropriate time is to take them off.
~amen


If you're going through hell...

OK, I realize I posted a song last night but I reserve the right to write about whatever is on my mind. (Since I'm the writer, even if no one reads it! hehe) This song keeps going through my mind over the last few weeks and it's a good one to share for those of us that need to have a song to remind us to power through. (I can already hear my mothers voice saying "Can she not search for a Christian song to play? Yes mom, I'll do that soon, but this one is just stuck so I need to pass it on.)

This time I'll even include the lyrics (below). If you're going through hell, and a lot of us are, keep on moving, don't slow down. You're bound to make it out soon. There are brothers and sisters out there holding your hands, we are here for you.



"If You're Going Through Hell"
Rodney Atkins


Well you know those times when you feel like
There's a sign there on your back
That says I don't mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

[Chorus]

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

I've been deep down in that darkness
I've been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different deamons breathin' fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I'd fall right into the trap
That they were layin'

But the good news is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin' out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been draggin' for so long
You're on your knees might as well be prayin'
Guess what I'm sayin'

[Chorus]

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

Thursday, June 27, 2013

You are not alone in this...

Why do I write this blog? Someone posted this song on facebook tonight and it immediately spoke to me. This is why I write. To let you know and to remind myself, that we are not alone in this. As brothers and sisters we will stand and we will hold your hand. We can't move each others mountains but we will be there for each other.

Mumford and Sons


Does the abuser's admission actually bring you peace?

That's the question of the day...

I got a personal admission from one of my abusers. (Trigger alert below for abuse victims)

Arms wrapped so tightly around me I couldn't breathe, my head spinning,
I could hear the words "I love you" coming from his mouth, smell his breath in my face,
still being squeezed so tightly I cannot breathe,
see the tears rolling down his face,
I can't move, he won't release his grip,
"I'm sorry I hurt you",
(if I kick him hard enough, will he let me go?), 
"please forgive me",
(if you want forgiveness why won't you let me go?),
then his tears stopped and the frown turned into laughter...

First of all, I didn't need the admission, I already knew because I was there unfortunately. Secondly, I didn't ask for this admission, he was simply trying to clear his conscience. Finally, I don't need him to ask for forgiveness in order to forgive him. I needed to forgive him in order to find peace for myself.

I encourage any of you who are searching for an admission of guilt, you may not like what you get. I left out graphic details from the scene above, it was just another instance in which I was abused. Avoid any chance of further abuse and forgive them so that you can have the peace that you so very much deserve.