Triggers

They are debilitating. You never know what they will be or when they will strike and sometimes they strike and you can't even pinpoint what the actual trigger was.

Tonight, we were on a family bike ride. It was such an amazing night out and (most of) the kids were so excited for this. I had been dreading it all day like the plague and pushed it off until the sun started to wane. After a few minor set-backs, we were off. I knew as we headed up the hill leaving on our street it was going to be a tough ride. I'm normally the lead and my husband follows the pack so we can ensure no one gets left behind.

This ride was different. I could not even keep up with the 7 year old. I didn't have the strength. I could feel my muscles atrophying, my pulse racing almost as fast as my mind. I was flashing back, of course but to me it wasn't anything that I hadn't worked through in the past. Finally, about 3/10 of a mile in (after staying at the back of the pack the entire time) I just hollered up to my husband that he would have to finish alone.

Heading home all I could think was that I wanted off of that bike. I even jumped off and began to walk it for a few but then decided that would take me forever so I hopped back on and pushed myself the rest of the way home.

Was it the rush of adrenaline that bothered me? The fear of the "hyperarousal symptoms" that come with PTSD? Was it the bike? Who knows.

How do I explain these things to my kids? Stupid bastard.