I had come to a certain place in my healing that I was arrogant enough to assume that I was past the meltdown phase. Arrogant being the key phrase in that statement.
Triggers will always be there so, at least for now, so will meltdowns. These take days, and sometimes weeks to recover from, even after considering myself "healed" from it all. Days that I'm not sure that I can make it out of bed and as a mother, I don't have that luxury. Days that each moment feel like even breathing is like nails on a chalkboard, I just want to scratch my skin off. (Descriptive enough?) There is a part of me that wants to die just to end what is going on inside of my head, though of course the other 3/4 of my mind realizes that this is stupid and a temporary feeling, yet it's all still so very real and overwhelming at the moment. I want to just crawl into a corner and cry.
How can this be? How can these acts of evil that have been portrayed, on us innocent victims, continue to have such profound effects on us the rest of our lives? I guess that's a whole other blog by someone with a profound amount of letters after their name. This is simply a blog written by a shadow of a soul left in the wake of pure evil.
The purpose of it is to give us a voice. Talking about it is the only way we are going to heal; reaching out for help. The more we talk about it, cringe, the more it becomes a matter-of-fact, as opposed to a matter of an act that is still occurring. Reach out; to me, to a friend, to a therapist, to an online support group, to anyone and everyone that will listen. Get help. Do not remain a victim.
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