Did you know that 70% of all sexual abuse survivors become addicted to alcohol or drugs? SEVENTY PERCENT!!! That's a huge number! If you could be 70% assured you'd win the lottery would you play? If you could be assured with 70% certainty that you'd live if you have that medical procedure that you'd you needed, would you have it done? On the flip side, only 30% of us do not succumb. Few of us do not lose our family and our children to the effects of drugs and alcohol because of the abuse we suffered.
I may not look like what you picture an addict to look like but I am one. Thankfully, I have been able to avoid the worst and have chosen other vises. At various times in my life I have used the following: FOOD is my favorite :), SMOKING is the one that I use when I'm at my worst and sometimes WORKING OUT (wish it was that one way more often).
For those of you in the 70%, I'm praying for you. Praying you find help. Praying you realize you aren't alone and you CAN do this. Your children need you.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Meltdown...again
I had come to a certain place in my healing that I was arrogant enough to assume that I was past the meltdown phase. Arrogant being the key phrase in that statement.
Triggers will always be there so, at least for now, so will meltdowns. These take days, and sometimes weeks to recover from, even after considering myself "healed" from it all. Days that I'm not sure that I can make it out of bed and as a mother, I don't have that luxury. Days that each moment feel like even breathing is like nails on a chalkboard, I just want to scratch my skin off. (Descriptive enough?) There is a part of me that wants to die just to end what is going on inside of my head, though of course the other 3/4 of my mind realizes that this is stupid and a temporary feeling, yet it's all still so very real and overwhelming at the moment. I want to just crawl into a corner and cry.
How can this be? How can these acts of evil that have been portrayed, on us innocent victims, continue to have such profound effects on us the rest of our lives? I guess that's a whole other blog by someone with a profound amount of letters after their name. This is simply a blog written by a shadow of a soul left in the wake of pure evil.
The purpose of it is to give us a voice. Talking about it is the only way we are going to heal; reaching out for help. The more we talk about it, cringe, the more it becomes a matter-of-fact, as opposed to a matter of an act that is still occurring. Reach out; to me, to a friend, to a therapist, to an online support group, to anyone and everyone that will listen. Get help. Do not remain a victim.
Triggers will always be there so, at least for now, so will meltdowns. These take days, and sometimes weeks to recover from, even after considering myself "healed" from it all. Days that I'm not sure that I can make it out of bed and as a mother, I don't have that luxury. Days that each moment feel like even breathing is like nails on a chalkboard, I just want to scratch my skin off. (Descriptive enough?) There is a part of me that wants to die just to end what is going on inside of my head, though of course the other 3/4 of my mind realizes that this is stupid and a temporary feeling, yet it's all still so very real and overwhelming at the moment. I want to just crawl into a corner and cry.
How can this be? How can these acts of evil that have been portrayed, on us innocent victims, continue to have such profound effects on us the rest of our lives? I guess that's a whole other blog by someone with a profound amount of letters after their name. This is simply a blog written by a shadow of a soul left in the wake of pure evil.
The purpose of it is to give us a voice. Talking about it is the only way we are going to heal; reaching out for help. The more we talk about it, cringe, the more it becomes a matter-of-fact, as opposed to a matter of an act that is still occurring. Reach out; to me, to a friend, to a therapist, to an online support group, to anyone and everyone that will listen. Get help. Do not remain a victim.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Tattoo's, Piercings and the like
I recently got my nose pierced much to my mother's chagrin. That is actually NOT why I did it given the fact that I am 35 years old. She is no longer the driving force behind my decisions and hasn't been for some time.
I have always felt so different on the inside because of the abuse. I looked the same on the outside so people expected me to behave the same and were often left perplexed or confused by my awkward behavior. I do not do well in public situations. I am completely uncomfortable in them and I'd prefer to never, ever have to speak to anyone on a person level, ever. I prefer shallow conversation and chit-chat over anything else because more than that and I am certain to embarrass myself and show my insecurities. There are so very many.
On the outside I can manage to keep it together for a certain amount of time but it is a total fight and some days it is just not worth it. The damage has been done and the PTSD is permanent. Of course over the years and through treatment things will get much, much better. There will also be days that will be worse again because of triggers, nightmares, etc.
Thats leads us to the tattoos and piercings. This statement is only true for myself so if you have tatt's and don't agree then don't email me..good for you...this is why I HAVE THEM...
It's a deterrent...if I can ward away the initial 50% to 60% people turned off by tattoo's and nose rings then I've saved myself a lot of embarrassment and wasted conversations much less pain inflicted in future bad endings to relationships haven't I? (Now that's thinking ahead!)
Now my outsides reflect my inward feelings. They are different. I am different. I am not just like anyone else...nor do I want to be. So if I put you off with my tattoo's and my nose ring then you weren't worth the time and if you take the time to get to know who I really am inside then, maybe you were...I guess we shall see.
I have always felt so different on the inside because of the abuse. I looked the same on the outside so people expected me to behave the same and were often left perplexed or confused by my awkward behavior. I do not do well in public situations. I am completely uncomfortable in them and I'd prefer to never, ever have to speak to anyone on a person level, ever. I prefer shallow conversation and chit-chat over anything else because more than that and I am certain to embarrass myself and show my insecurities. There are so very many.
On the outside I can manage to keep it together for a certain amount of time but it is a total fight and some days it is just not worth it. The damage has been done and the PTSD is permanent. Of course over the years and through treatment things will get much, much better. There will also be days that will be worse again because of triggers, nightmares, etc.
Thats leads us to the tattoos and piercings. This statement is only true for myself so if you have tatt's and don't agree then don't email me..good for you...this is why I HAVE THEM...
It's a deterrent...if I can ward away the initial 50% to 60% people turned off by tattoo's and nose rings then I've saved myself a lot of embarrassment and wasted conversations much less pain inflicted in future bad endings to relationships haven't I? (Now that's thinking ahead!)
Now my outsides reflect my inward feelings. They are different. I am different. I am not just like anyone else...nor do I want to be. So if I put you off with my tattoo's and my nose ring then you weren't worth the time and if you take the time to get to know who I really am inside then, maybe you were...I guess we shall see.
(The above tattoo is my latest and one of my favorite's. It is a "Stop Child Abuse" tattoo and those words or something similar will be added soon.)
More victims
I never thought that there might be other victims of my abusers. That may sound arrogant, like somehow I think myself special in someway that they just "chose" me, not at all, but I just never thought on that level before.
I'm sure the other victims of the particular abuser I am speaking of right now never thought about me being out there either. Amazingly enough, through this blog, I was able to reach out to and locate a fellow "abusee". That was a hell of a day.
That day for me was yesterday. The other victim, (I found out through this person there are actually 2 others) will remain nameless, but she gave me a gift she will never be able to comprehend.
I've always felt alone in the hellish journey despite the fact I have a virtual team of support, especially my darling husband who has actually carried me through most of it, but in the end only I can carry the full weight of the unspeakable actions that were carried out on me. Until now. I have a partner in pain for lack of a better term. I have someone who know my pain without even having to speak it. We both know that we would each give our lives to have spared the others but were not able to do so and now we are blood brothers, er... blood sisters.
So thank you dear blood sister, you know who you are. Thank you for being strong enough to speak up. That shows your true strength and character. Thank you for not leaving me alone in the dark.
Remember "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path"...God will show you the way.
I'm sure the other victims of the particular abuser I am speaking of right now never thought about me being out there either. Amazingly enough, through this blog, I was able to reach out to and locate a fellow "abusee". That was a hell of a day.
That day for me was yesterday. The other victim, (I found out through this person there are actually 2 others) will remain nameless, but she gave me a gift she will never be able to comprehend.
I've always felt alone in the hellish journey despite the fact I have a virtual team of support, especially my darling husband who has actually carried me through most of it, but in the end only I can carry the full weight of the unspeakable actions that were carried out on me. Until now. I have a partner in pain for lack of a better term. I have someone who know my pain without even having to speak it. We both know that we would each give our lives to have spared the others but were not able to do so and now we are blood brothers, er... blood sisters.
So thank you dear blood sister, you know who you are. Thank you for being strong enough to speak up. That shows your true strength and character. Thank you for not leaving me alone in the dark.
Remember "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path"...God will show you the way.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
LET'S MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY, TOGETHER! Step out of your comfort zone!
Comfort zones. We all have them and they are so...comfortable, aren't they? Ahhh, I am sitting in my most favorite one right now. My bed. Propped up with a huge amount of pillows, with my children tucked snuggly in their beds and the sound of the washing machine going in the background ....ahhhhhh.
GET OUT OF IT! That's my current plea anyway. It's not easy for any of us to want to learn to take the stairs instead of the elevator or drive a new way to work because of road construction or whatever the case may be and these are not even life altering changes. So I do not take this call to arms as an easy cross to bear by asking you to step out on a larger and much more uncomfortable limb. CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE.
Abuse of any kind is awful and it makes us sad, breaks our heart and makes us want to cry or rush to change the channel. But childhood sexual abuse is an unspeakable crime and yet it happens to 1 out of 4 girls in our country and 1 out of every 7 boys (those are the number that reported it to the police, I would not have been counted in that number). The only way we can make that number go down is to get out of our comfort zones and start yelling at the top of our lungs at the offenders that "WE ARE COMING FOR THEM" When we find them, we will not quietly whisk them away to jail either...we will figuratively "tar and feather" them on the way in so that every one knows their name..."Shame, Shame".
Please help me in my goal by passing this blog on to as many people as you know who may need help. Throw my name out there as someone willing to speak as a victim survivor in any setting. Please, let's all play our part in stopping the abuse in ending the damage that is being done to our children.
GET OUT OF IT! That's my current plea anyway. It's not easy for any of us to want to learn to take the stairs instead of the elevator or drive a new way to work because of road construction or whatever the case may be and these are not even life altering changes. So I do not take this call to arms as an easy cross to bear by asking you to step out on a larger and much more uncomfortable limb. CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE.
Abuse of any kind is awful and it makes us sad, breaks our heart and makes us want to cry or rush to change the channel. But childhood sexual abuse is an unspeakable crime and yet it happens to 1 out of 4 girls in our country and 1 out of every 7 boys (those are the number that reported it to the police, I would not have been counted in that number). The only way we can make that number go down is to get out of our comfort zones and start yelling at the top of our lungs at the offenders that "WE ARE COMING FOR THEM" When we find them, we will not quietly whisk them away to jail either...we will figuratively "tar and feather" them on the way in so that every one knows their name..."Shame, Shame".
Please help me in my goal by passing this blog on to as many people as you know who may need help. Throw my name out there as someone willing to speak as a victim survivor in any setting. Please, let's all play our part in stopping the abuse in ending the damage that is being done to our children.
Diving In...again
So I said "goodbye" and I meant it. But sometimes "goodbye" isn't forever, we all know that. It's that way with all things in life, sometimes for the better and other times we only wish they were gone for good. Like the flash backs and nightmares of PTSD. The exhaustion, depression, sleeplessness, worry, anxiety and fear. That feeling of just wanting to go to sleep...they're baaaaccckkk, unfortunately.
It's been a while since I last wrote but not quite as long since I've been having to deal with these issues. So much has happened since then, abusers have passed away, more memories have surfaced, most of these things without much todo, believe it or not. For the most part I've dealt really well with the issues that have come and gone, until lately.
All of the sudden I feel as though I've been hit by a train. Left reeling...without sufficient words or energy even with which to type this now. I felt it only fair to myself, if no one else, not to leave this blog as "complete" when it certainly isn't. Until we are dead, our story is never complete. Thankfully, I'm still kicking, loving my life, my husband and my children more than ever and wondering if there will ever come a day where they will look back and have some form of understanding for what I was going through on days like today. Of course, I don't want them to be able to relate, only to empathize and learn to show love for others that are going through things like this.
I am grateful to be on the next step of this healing journey through this blog because it gives me great insight into my soul.
It's been a while since I last wrote but not quite as long since I've been having to deal with these issues. So much has happened since then, abusers have passed away, more memories have surfaced, most of these things without much todo, believe it or not. For the most part I've dealt really well with the issues that have come and gone, until lately.
All of the sudden I feel as though I've been hit by a train. Left reeling...without sufficient words or energy even with which to type this now. I felt it only fair to myself, if no one else, not to leave this blog as "complete" when it certainly isn't. Until we are dead, our story is never complete. Thankfully, I'm still kicking, loving my life, my husband and my children more than ever and wondering if there will ever come a day where they will look back and have some form of understanding for what I was going through on days like today. Of course, I don't want them to be able to relate, only to empathize and learn to show love for others that are going through things like this.
I am grateful to be on the next step of this healing journey through this blog because it gives me great insight into my soul.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
As we come to a close...
I had no idea the ride would end this soon. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined what peace would feel like. Peace is like sleeping on a fluffy pillow or a soft, silky cloud. For those who have never felt it, it's far more than words can describe.
As I come to the end of my journey, I realize it is the end because I am no longer driven to write. I can say with much assuredness, that there is no greater battle in which to fight. Survivors, keep up the fight, don't stop now, you're almost there. No matter what anyone says, it's far more difficult to continue on the way you have been for so long than to reach out and get the help you need. Take the necessary steps to gain control over your life, for the first time.
I am overcome with emotions as I type. There are not words for the way I feel inside after the burning pain that I've endured for so long. No words for those who have been instrumental in my transformation.
My identity has now changed and I will be taking the steps, one-at-a-time, to figure out who I am exactly. I feel as though I am now clay and can be formed in any way I choose. Thankfully, my Father is a potter and I will bend at His will. Like a Willow tree that loosely hangs and gently sways in the breeze, I am now floating through this life.
I have been set free.
As I come to the end of my journey, I realize it is the end because I am no longer driven to write. I can say with much assuredness, that there is no greater battle in which to fight. Survivors, keep up the fight, don't stop now, you're almost there. No matter what anyone says, it's far more difficult to continue on the way you have been for so long than to reach out and get the help you need. Take the necessary steps to gain control over your life, for the first time.
I am overcome with emotions as I type. There are not words for the way I feel inside after the burning pain that I've endured for so long. No words for those who have been instrumental in my transformation.
My identity has now changed and I will be taking the steps, one-at-a-time, to figure out who I am exactly. I feel as though I am now clay and can be formed in any way I choose. Thankfully, my Father is a potter and I will bend at His will. Like a Willow tree that loosely hangs and gently sways in the breeze, I am now floating through this life.
I have been set free.
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