Last night was tough.
I began the day with new memories that were apparently "shaken loose" by my therapy the night before. Those new memories are always horribly painful and constantly flashing in my mind. Throughout the day I continued to try to push them aside, who wants to see those events replay over and over? As the day wore on, so did my nerves.
It was the night I was to do a kid-swap and it began to spiral as I drove to my destination, late. I can't stand to be late, it just eats me up inside. I feel as though I am telling the other person (unintentionally) that my time is worth more than theirs. So I was late and I knew once I got there my sons would begin their constant, incessant bickering. All of you with children know that noise, it's like a swarm of gnats constantly flying over your head or those flies that won't leave your picnic lunch alone. AHHHHH! Just "knock it off already"!
With already frayed nerves from a day of flash-backs, we make the swap. Prince Charming is a little put off with me because I've left them in a van with no keys, so he asks me where they are in a bit of a put-out manner and that was pretty much it for me! Overboard I flew, on the inside at least. I didn't begin raging on the outside, even though it took much effort to avoid this, but on the inside I felt as though my skin were crawling. My husband asked me if I was ok and I just said "no". (I don't have much of a poker face). I then realized that I needed out of the car NOW...the anxiety was building and I knew an attack was soon to follow. I truly felt like opening the door and just jumping while it was still moving.
I tried my "safe place" that the therapist taught me, but that involves my music going into one ear and then into the other and I was riding in a car so I quickly began to get motion sick. Great. I hold on long enough that we were able to stop at a gas station and I texted with my amazing therapist and she told me to walk around and BREATHE. I always forget to breathe. I felt well enough to get back in the car but still had another 30 minute drive home. Thankfully, we stopped for dinner and then I realized Prince Charming had left his car there...freedom!!! I got into the car all alone and was finally able to regain composure. For the most part. That is until that crazy lady got annoyed with my U-turn and began screaming at me and then cut me off! Was she serious??? Did she know that if we stopped and I began to unleash that she would have been punished for well more than 30 years of holding back? Poor lady, she wouldn't have been so much as a stain on the concrete when I got done with her.
In closing today while you are out driving and you see someone make an error or annoy you in some way on the road, know that what they most likely need is grace. I sure could have used some last night.
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