I am a terrible mother...

Apparently that was one of my (many) issues. I say that now like it's a thing of the past. I can tell you with a great amount of peace and certainty, it almost is.

I had my first full-length, EMDR session last night. It was a difficult few minutes but no more so than most of my anxiety-ridden life. We started our session by talking about my week. I let her know that after my "tiny" session last week I had certain pieces of my memory come back that hadn't been there before. Somehow it fits with all of the other puzzle pieces that have been strewn about in a vast and darkened room.

We also discussed how things were going between myself and my son. I let her know that we had a very tough weekend and that I was merely hanging in there by a thread. I miss him so much it hurts, yet when I get to see or speak to him he has a tendency to want to lash out at me as though I've done something wrong. Instinctively, my mind wants to run. Push him away as fast as I can and find a way to numb or, at the very least, dull the pain. This is the way a trauma victim acts, why would it be any different with my own child? It's certainly not intentional, it is merely instinctual. Like when someone trips and falls to the ground, their brain tells them to throw down their hands to brace their fall, without thought or consideration, protecting the most crucial part of the body.

Through these discussions, my therapist was able to help me pinpoint the real issue at hand. I am a terrible mother!!! There it is, I finally admitted it, now take me away and put me out of my misery. I do not deserve to hold their tiny lives in my injured hands.

I've yelled, I've lost control, I've said hurtful things, I have failed to give the benefit of the doubt, I have enabled them, I've just been a horrible mother!!! As I was saying the above things, I was almost having an anxiety attack. I could barely catch my breath and I felt intense, deep-seeded pain. The therapist asked me to rate my pain on a scale from 0 being none (yeah right), to 10 being the highest. I was easily a 9 to 10. I was a mess. Obviously, the logical part of me knew I wasn't a terrible mother, but the inner child believed I was because I didn't always handle things the way I wanted to. I love and adore my children and I am a great mother! Bad mothers don't work so hard to become a better person! Bad mothers don't stay up all night trying to figure out how to better react to the next situation that arrises. Bad mothers, I would imagine, don't care or stress over the fact that they are bad mothers. They simply are because they are more important than anyone else. Chances are good if you loathe yourself, beat yourself up over every little thing you do wrong as a mother, pine over your children (of course, constantly apologize for them), you're either a.) a survivor of childhood abuse, b.) a good mother because you care and you try hard, or c.) all of the above.

We then began the actual EMDR part of the therapy. Back in headphones and holding sensors while thinking about being a horrible mother. Through her various "tricks-of-the-trade" and things that followed during my therapy I absolutely bawled. At one point I actually envisioned myself getting up and jerking off the headset and throwing it and saying "that's it!!, that's all I can take tonight!" Fortunately, I made it through and when it was all over that anxiety rating of 10 had become a 2 or 3.

As I opened my eyes I felt as though I had become apart of the couch. My entire body was as a rag doll. The rest of the night, it remained that way; I felt drugged because I was SO relaxed.

I awoke this morning to the same routine, with the exception of Mr. Charming being out of town on business. As I mentioned in a previous post this ALWAYS spawns severe pain for me and I begin to "punish" him for "betraying" me.

I can honestly say for the first time in my life (since we met and married at least), my husband is out of town and I am ok. I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok (insert happy dance visualization here)!!! I miss him and there are moments I feel exhausted and know that it will be so much easier when he gets home but I'M OK!!!! I have yet to get angry or hurt at him or in his direction. I've only complained ONE TIME!!!! That's so beyond normal I can't even begin to tell you. As I told my dear friend, it has to be real because I don't have self-control, never have! Before I would scream and freak out entirely because of the huge anxiety that came along with him being gone, worrying if he would be ok. Would the plane wreck?Would he be mugged? Would he actually enjoy his time away from the hell I put him through (how dare he)? Not that I didn't want him to enjoy himself, but my fear was that he would so enjoy it, he would never come home. I certainly wouldn't have blamed him if he didn't. I don't want to come "home", unfortunately, the home that is so painful for me is the one I live in, inside of my head.

To top it off, Prince Charming pointed out when he last phoned, I actually bought him a present! Not a small present, a BIG one!!! (He has an idea of what it is, but doesn't know for sure, so I'll have to tell you about it in another post.) I bought him a "Survivors" gift. Not only has he held himself up since we met but he's carried a very broken version of who I am supposed to be, along with our children, entirely on his own. I have no idea how he has managed for these 4 years but I thank God he has done it! So I ordered his gift this morning and I cannot wait to give it to him after he returns!

The anxiety is so much less, it's apparent to everyone I've spoken with today. I can breathe, some, I can feel the difference in the tension I carry in every muscle in my body. God is good and this therapy is an amazing gift.

When you begin your therapy don't look for excuses to quit or the way out the door. Realize this is almost the end. Enduring the pain for only a few more minutes will spare you a lifetime of anxiety, worry and depression.

Thank you so much Holly for following in His will and becoming a therapist, you truly have a gift. Without you, Prince Charming and Jesus, none of this would be possible. I would still be a lost, hurt little girl looking for someone to show me the way home. I am almost there. I hunger and thirst for the freedom that so many take for granted, I am almost there.