I've always felt as though I was two completely different people. Though I do not suffer from multiple personality disorder, like others who have been victims to unspeakable atrocities, I have still always known there were two of me.
There is the person that I was born to be, loving, generous, patient and kind, and the girl that I became because of the abuse. She was short-tempered, over-the-top, inpatient, scared, hurt, and screaming on the inside for some sort of relief from the horrible pain that burned. Those who didn't know her well only saw the latter. I'd like to call her "Hope". She spent her entire life fighting, fleeing, aching and desperately searching for inner peace. Often in the wrong things like alcohol, men and her latest favorite RETAIL THERAPY, which was shortly followed by her good friend "buyer's remorse". The former person, Faith, knew that there was so much more to herself but could not manage to break free.
It was shear torment for Faith to watch as Hope built walls that were often impossible to be torn down. Slowly, she refused to go in public for fear of what "ridiculous" thing that might escape Hope's mouth next. As she prepared for family functions, work outings, church or whatever event she was forced to participate in, she would go through a list of things not to say or do. Attempting to calculate and imagine conversations before they were ever initiated so that she could trouble-shoot ahead of time. If she could avoid disaster then there would be one less pile of mess left in her wake.
This went on for well-over 30 years. How exhausting it was because I always failed and instantly jumped to my good friend "self-loathing". Wow, what a vicious cycle that was created so long ago by an abuser who was simply out to please himself. For all of those years I longed to somehow stop the merry-go-round and just jump off! It was always as if I was watching these things happen and not as though they were actually happening to me.
This week, for the first time ever, I have found some peace. I am not done yet, not even close, but I can officially say that I've never felt this good in my entire life. There is a clarity now that was never there before. A filter for my thoughts, one that's able to distinguish the lies from the truth. After all, that's how satan attacks, through the lies. I knew they were lies before but I was completely powerless against them.
Thanks to the EMDR therapy and Holly, even without Mr. Charming being here I've had the most peaceful nights of sleep. The "nightmares" are still there but they are no longer scary. They simply occur as matter-of-fact and there is no anxiety or fear with them. They have become a memory and not an on-going occurrence. My mind has been able to rest completely, at times, and it's a heaven which I cannot have ever imagined.
Needless to say, I will be screaming EMDR therapy from the rooftops because as of yet, there is no real cure for cancer, alzheimer's, AIDS or many other horrible afflictions that will eventually take your life but here is one now for PTSD sufferers, like myself. I now know that this disease will not eventually take me.
At times I fear losing Faith altogether but I also know deep down inside me that she is tired. She wants to sleep because she's fought a long, hard battle. That child in all of us is supposed to die to the adult we become but some of us are forced to remain both. As I continue through this therapy it is with some sadness that I say goodbye, but mostly I'm saying hello. Hello to the new person who has been trapped inside for so long dying to get out and spread her wings.
I look forward to Prince Charming coming home and meeting his new bride. It's somewhat scary for both of us since so much has changed in such a little amount of time. We both know that there is much work left to do but we are in it together and I am the most blessed girl on this planet to be able to walk this road, hand-in-hand with him. Thank you Jesus.
No comments:
Post a Comment