While you were sleeping...

While you were sleeping last night, I was awakened with more nightmares. They happen every night but some have a tendency to scare me more than others. It doesn't always have to be the content of the nightmare as much as it is the overall oppressive nature of the dream. As I remember my nightmares, I try to write them down for future reference, however, some of them are forever etched in my mind.

One night, I was running through an old scrap yard that was overlooking a harbor. I was running, of course, I am always running; trying to protect myself or my children or in some cases to find them. This night in particular, I knew that the mob was chasing me, no idea what I did to evoke that kind of ire, but nonetheless, there it was. Normally in my dreams, just before there is some sort of conclusion, I awaken never feeling fulfilled in having faced my fears like "they" say you must do in order to gain understanding. This time was different. This time I turned to face my enemy and ask why he was chasing me and when I did, he shot me in the stomach. I instantly felt the burning, searing pain from the hole it had left. I couldn't breath, I couldn't talk, I was gasping for air as I felt the blood rise up into my mouth. I knew I was dying and there was no one there to help me. I looked up seeing the mobster standing over me smiling, the first time I saw him, he had no face; as in those shows on tv where they "blur the faces of the innocent". As I lay there dying I now see him clearly. He was a very non-descript man, brown hair, brown eyes, as if he could have been any member of John Q. Public. He smiled, a handsome smile and then raised his gun and pulled the trigger, one more time. The last thing I heard was a loud pop and the final smell, gun powder. I was dead and everything was black, but I distinctly remember feeling at peace for the first time in my life...and then I woke up.

Sometimes I wonder which is better, to be awake and reliving the flash-backs and constantly over-reacting, whilst attempting to live a "normal" life or is it better to be asleep, running all night long?

I feel very much like Miley Cyrus in "Hannah Montana". Except what I get is not the "best of both worlds". I do, however, live two distinctly different lives. One is my reality, that of a victim, a woman living with post-traumatic stress disorder, and then there is my other life, my "real" life. The former thankfully, my children are ignorant of and at times that can be the hardest part of all. When I am barely hanging on, my last finger is sweaty and slipping from the final rung of life, my beautiful children behave like, children. Truthfully I would have it no other way, I pray that they each enjoy being a child and take full advantage of the life they've been given to live in innocence, one which I was not so fortunate to have myself. I pray one day my children realize that I did all that I have done for them. The counseling, the talking, the praying, the putting one-foot-in-front-of-the-other and remembering to breathe was done so that they could have a somewhat normal life.

To those of you who suffer as I do, remember to continue to breathe, deeply from way down in your stomach (I'm still working on this, when I do it I feel as though I will pass out before I catch my next breath. Maybe I'm not doing it right.), and continue to take one day at a time. Remember, there is no promise of tomorrow, so for today "Choose this day whom you will serve", hug your children like it was the last time, remind yourself of how special they are and that what you're doing is giving them the life you had only hoped for.

To those of you who may be the "weight-bearer" in your relationship right now, I applaud you, I thank you from the depths of my soul because without your strength we would never have been able to start this journey, we'd be sure to quit every single day and we would certainly never reach the finish line. It is your love that will see us through and reminds us why we continue to endure such torture instead of just pushing it aside for "another day".

As this battle rages within me, I know that this too shall pass. God has promised us He would not give us more than we could handle. This load is far too big to bear alone, so just lay it all down at the foot of the cross, I sometimes have to do this hourly, and rest in the peace of knowing that " in fact God has placed the parts in your body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be" (I Corinthians 12:18). 

In this trauma, you may choose to search for the reason you've been dealt this deck of cards and rise to the occasion, or you can let it consume you. Today I choose the path to healing and I will not allow my pain to have been "all for not". Having to endure such trauma for me will be what drives me to help others make it through. I will touch as  many lives as God allows and I will turn my tragedy into triumph. For me, there is no other way to live because I refuse to allow myself to continue to be a victim, my assailants have lost this battle, after all, It belongs to the Lord.