One of the (many) things that come along with having been a victim of trauma, is in how much you beat yourself up. I am my own worst enemy. No matter what I've done I instantly hate myself for it. It is most pronounced when I have hurt or disappointed someone else in some way.
As a victim, you're forced to be completely submissive to someone else's needs, wants and desires. You're forced to please someone else to their complete satisfaction while being completely miserable yourself. Sadly, this quickly becomes inherent because it was forced on you and that's where your mind freezes. So I'm frozen in time constantly trying to please others around me.
Through my husband, I have learned that I am not here to please others, I am here to please God. If I fail in that, then I have truly failed. If I fail others, I need to assess myself and my behavior and be sure that I was doing what was right in all that I said and did. Sometimes this is the case and in that event, it truly doesn't matter what others think, as long as what I did was pleasing to Him.
However, this is rarely the case. I get so nervous and move so quickly in day-to-day life, so I don't have to stop to feel anything (because after all, the only thing I can truly feel is pain), that I often over-step. I speak without thinking and offend others around me when that was never my intention. I immediately move to self-loathing. I will beat myself up for days over something that the unintended victim will have moved on from long before. Unfortunately, this happens far too often.
To those I have offended, I truly apologize. The truth is that I do not take enough time to form my thoughts before allow them to pour out. It absolutely eats me alive when I hurt someone, when I am the one on the receiving end of the hurt it's ok; I can handle it. To hurt someone else though is far more than I can handle. I instantly feel as though I am going to break, again.
To myself: when will I learn to forgive myself after having been forgiven by the one I have hurt? That is the real question at hand I believe. Do I forgive myself for having been a "victim"? Everyone asks if I've forgiven the offender(s), but the real question is have I forgiven myself? Maybe this doesn't make much sense to those who haven't been victimized and maybe some who have, do not struggle with self-loathing and for you, I am happy.
At some point I have to realize that self-loathing only comes from my own inability to be able to move on and let this go or to have been able to prevent it from happening in the first place. My weight, my hair, the way I walk, the way I stand, the things I say, the things I do, the things I think. It's as if somehow I believe if I do all of these things well, everyone will like me. If I had done everything right before, I wouldn't have been a victim.
The truth is we as Christians aren't called to please anyone but Jesus and no matter what we do, the best we can be or do is "as filty rags"to Him. No amount of pleasing others here on this earth will ever get me closer to heaven. Thank you Jesus for your grace. Thank you for your forgiveness and patience with me as I attempt to work through all of the hurt and evil that was inflicted on me. For me, it has been far easier to forgive my perpetrators than myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment