I wrote the original blog as a letter in response to a very prominent thought within "the church" that says that it's not ok to take medications for mental "issues". My frustration and pain with people judging me based on my deciding that medicine was a way to help me cope. I have been told that if I had enough faith in God, I would be healed. I genuinely love these brothers and sisters in Christ so I'd never want to inflict pain on them, so I chose to try to help enlighten as many others as I can.
Now that you know a "little" about me, I want to tell you why I decided to blog this journey through EMDR therapy.
As you can tell from my original post, I love God. I hesitate to call myself a "Christian" because of the negative connotation that often follows that word. The stigma attached to it can be very similar to the stigma that comes with "mental illness". I'm here to erase that stigma not only for mental illness but hopefully about people who truly love Jesus and want to show His love to others.
I'm one of those people who want to save the world, I take on everyone else's pain as my own. Since I cannot change the entire world, I'll start off small and work my way from there. So here goes "small". I'm not sure that publicly broadcasting my innermost thoughts and feelings, as I go through this therapy that I truly know so little about, is small but here goes "nothing"!
Through this blog I pray that others will realize that their past has been effecting their present and will continue to effect their future until they take the proper steps toward healing. Burying the pain is unhealthy and often leads people who have survived these traumas looking to "self-medicate". Drugs, Alcohol, food, etc.
I've self-medicated, I wasn't one of those people who tried every drug around because I knew my addictive personality and I had been raised to avoid the things that you knew were your weaknesses and you'd never have to worry about saying no or losing control. My medication of choice for years was alcohol. It didn't matter what kind or how much as long as it was often. The only thought on my mind was that I needed to quit hurting; make the pain go away. Drinking, Ahhh, that did it. For a minute and then I was sober again and had to start all over the next night. After that I "grew-up" and self-medicated with food. Wow, I love food.
I am married to a prince by the way! I haven't mentioned him yet and want you to know that your prince charming is out there, you just may not have found him yet, but he IS worth waiting for. So through this journey "Prince Charming" will also have some input into things. How I've changed, or not, and where I seem to be mentally, through my husbands eyes. I can't say enough about how having the proper support system will be what helps pull you through until you get ready to take the step of faith and jump into this treatment yourself.
My therapist has a very similar story to mine. She lived through her own trauma and she overcame through EMDR therapy. She tells me that soon I will remember to breathe, as I say that I have to remind myself to do just that...breathe. For whatever reason, victims/survivors hold their breath! I learned that today along with a technique for going to my "happy place" and putting myself into a "time-out" for lack of a better phrase. I'm looking forward to trying this new thing this week and reminding myself to breathe, deeply and often.
I'm very excited about getting this "over with" but unfortunately, in order for me to change my life and for my brain to be able to re-process these individual events that have been frozen in my mind, I will have to deal with some of the pain. I'm not a huge fan of pain, maybe you are but I don't like it. I can handle physical pain but was so numb for so many years that I sometimes jokingly say that I prefer to be numb. Numb is indifference and indifference sucks. With love or hate at least there is emotion but there's nothing worse than apathy.
I'm not the least bit apathetic about this treatment that I am about to begin, in fact I'm scared to death. Scared of having to even think about the episodes of abuse, much less to have to talk about them. Actually, today I think I prefer apathy.
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