On days like these I find it quite difficult to even get out of bed. The only thing that keeps me from becoming molded to my sheets like old cheese is the fact that I know I must keep moving. Keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of the other and breathe again.
Whatever the trigger for that day, be it the day of the week, day of the year, gloomy weather, gorgeous weather, the smell in the air, the first day back to school or whatever your trigger is, it can be paralyzing.
I realize this even more as I attempt to find the words to write this blog that normally seem to flow so easily from an abundance of...whatever it is that continues to drive me. I am paralyzed by the pain.
My mind aches, my head hurts, my skin is burning, my heart is broken, again. Today, my trigger happens to be the first day of school. Like so many others, I was bullied in school. Children can be so mean. I was tortured by everyone in my class (you know that kid that received everyone's abuse in your class too).
Even though that pain is in the past for me it still rears it's ugly head regularly, but especially when my children start off at a new school. I want nothing more than to protect each one of my children from any sort of harm. What's worse is that since I am, correction was, a victim. I take all of my pain and couple it with theirs and it becomes unbearable. I tend to want to pick them up in my arms and run away screaming until I've found a safe enough place to put them down, dust them off and send them on their way again. (But only until the next event when I must put on my cape and fly in as "Super-Mom" and save them from the forces of evil.)
I realized last week what that makes me. I am an enabler. I have enabled, or crippled is a more direct term, my children from being able to take care of themselves in these situations. The truth is kids will be teased, they will even be bullied from time-to-time. (The type of bullying I received was not "normal" and was not the type to which I'm making reference and bullying is never acceptable.) What our job is as parents, I'm finding, is not to swoop in and drag them off to safety as quickly as possible because then I am preventing them from ever learning how to take care of themselves. Do I still want to be doing this when they're in their 20's and 30's really? Do I want my child to quit every job he or she ever has because someone wasn't nice to them? Obviously, the answer to that has to be no. Even though it breaks my heart (remember every pain I've ever endured is put into each episode because my mind has not processed them..yet. Refer to past blogs if you're lost here) every single time someone calls my kid a name or makes fun of what they are wearing or is just a jerk in general to them, it is the only way they will learn to be capable of functioning properly as adults.
We are to teach our children how to stand up for themselves (not to go beat up their mama, which is what my initial instinct is...I wonder how many other mama's have wanted to do the same to me because my child said something mean or hateful?), but to say "that was rude, you should keep your opinion to yourself" or "that my be your opinion but it's not mine". Yes, pick that boy/girl up and dust them off but then send them on their way with the proper tools to know how to better deal with the situation next time.
So today, as my oldest son starts a new school in a place that is too far away for me to put on my "Super-Mom" cape, I need to be able to find peace in knowing, first of all, he is God's child and not mine. He has been on loan to me and I must to give him back (daily). Secondly, I need to remember that even though he will get his feelings hurt, he is working at becoming an amazingly capable man. One that is confident in himself and the decisions he makes. If I don't let him hurt today, I will continue to hurt for him for the rest of my life. That is not how God intended it to be. So today, I thank my ex-husband (never thought I'd say those words) and his precious wife for being strong enough to allow him to fail.
Are you an enabler too?
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