My son, over-reaacting and gnawing regret

Wow. As I lie awake in my bed I replay the conversation I had with my son tonight; I am devastated. Nauseous at the words I slung in his direction. All I want to do is to curl him up in my arms and cry, tell him I'm sorry and that I didn't mean to over-react. I can tell him that this "isn't my fault" all day long but  in the end the damage has been done, by me. This is the after-effect of childhood sexual abuse. It isn't my fault that I was abused at such a young age or that I was unable to process those incidents, but it is my fault that I allowed myself to become enraged at my lying teenager. I hate this. I hate myself.

How is it that I can write in this blog by day and then a few short hours later over-react in such a way? How is it that we as adults have enough nerve to try to force our children to have more self-control than we ourselves can muster? "Don't yell at your sister", I scream from across the room. Did anyone else catch that? The gigantic oxy-moron in that sentence?

Others might become physically abusive because their child "isn't keeping his hands to himself". Violence begets violence, this is unacceptable. It makes no sense that in this world if I were to hit another adult I would be thrown in jail and yet if I were to hit my child, it would be called discipline.

As I lie here in my bed, replaying the events of the evening, I do so with such a heavy heart. He is not here to tell him I love him or that I'm sorry. He isn't here and we rarely speak as it is and the last conversation we had was simply horrible. Lord please forgive me. Let my son know that I would do anything for him, anything.

I want to always respond with kindness; "A soft answer turns away wrath", that's the mom I want to be. It isn't always like this, but over-reacting or under-reacting are key symptoms to PTSD. As I say these things I feel as though I'm making excuses for my behavior, when there is no excuse. This son of mine will one day become a man. He will have a wife and children of his own. Lord please allow this boy to forgive this mom and to one day do a better job than I did.

I pray that one day he will know that I did this all for him, to show him that true strength isn't found by running away from your problems or burying the past. True strength comes from admitting that you have a problem, searching for the solution and not giving up until you have overcome. Lord please don't let it be too late. Please let the damage done be minimal and please let him know that none of this was his fault. But most of all Lord, let him know that I loved him enough to let him go. Not having him near is breaking my heart. Not being able to sneak in his room after he's asleep just to watch him breathe.

My alarm is set to call him and ask for forgiveness before he leaves for school. Thank you Jesus for a brand new day tomorrow, please forgive me Lord, help me to find peace, quickly. Your mercies are new every morning, great is thy faithfulness.